7,739 Miles Away: A letter to my son

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

A letter to my son

Dear Jack,

I woke up early on the morning of May 15, 1999 with an urge to do two things: clean the house and bake chocolate chip cookies. I didn't know yet that I would be meeting you that day, but my body must have known something was up. I had carried you for 35 weeks and the last seven of them had been spent on bedrest due to preterm labor. Two days prior, my doctor finally released me from bed rest and said that you might come soon or we might still have a few more weeks to go. Like your mother, you are impatient and you chose the quicker route.

As I was baking cookies a few hours later, I realized that the contractions that were coming and going were a little different than the ones I had been experiencing for the last couple of months. Shortly after lunchtime, I told Daddy that I thought it might be time to head to the hospital. Just a few hours later, you made your appearance and, just like that, I was a mother! I cannot explain just how all encompassing is the feeling of love that a mama has for her child. I knew in that moment that I would do anything for you. I also knew that from that point forward, my heart would never be the same.

The next day, the nurse came in to do some testing that required her to prick your heel and squeeze. You cried and cried and I cried right along with you. I didn't want anyone to hurt my precious baby boy. Believe it or not, I still feel that way. Unfortunately, we live in a world where hurt is inevitable and it is sometimes inflicted even by those who love you. Like me, for instance. If you had told me on the day that you were born that I would sometimes yell at you or say things that weren't very nice, I would have said you were crazy. I am here to admit that I have messed up. Not once. Not twice. But many times over the course of the last fourteen years. And I know that I will fail many times in the next fourteen years. But there is something I want you to know and that is that no matter what, I will always love you. There may be times when I am disappointed in your actions or when I don't agree with your choices, but those things will never change the fact that you are my son and I love you.

It does not seem possible that in just a few months you will be starting high school. That serves as a reminder that we only have a few short years before you will be off to college and chasing your dreams. While I am so excited for you to spread your wings, it is also immensely painful to my mama's heart to think about you no longer being here. I am going to hold on tight because I know this time is going to fly. I'm also going to do my very best to picture you as a tiny baby when we are working through difficulties because I think my response to you will be better that way. Just look at this precious angel...