Deep Thoughts

The above picture was in Jack's room when he was a baby. I pulled it out yesterday so that it can go in here:



Last night while I was putting the finishing touches on baby S's room, Ethan looked at the picture and was concerned. He told me I shouldn't put it in her room because then she will know she is adopted (I'm guessing because of the adopt-a-bear thing). I thought that was sweet. He also told me he thought I went a bit overboard on the decorating. I did not think that was sweet. Isaac kept complimenting the room and telling me I did a good job. That, too, was sweet. They are so excited about having a sister!

We have had so much going on lately and I have been trying not to fret over our lack of identifiable progress with our adoption. While I believe that things will work out in the right way at the right time, sometimes it is hard to wait. Today might be one of those days. I made the mistake of watching A Baby Story earlier. While I watched the mama gazing at her newborn daughter, I felt a twinge of sadness because of what I am missing in baby S's life. I will never know the feeling of her newborn self snuggled in my arms, her scent, or the sound of her cry. I didn't get to see her first smile or watch her roll over for the first time. Here come the tears. I simply have to get over what I've missed and focus on what I am gaining. And THAT is what is important. I am gaining a daughter. A daughter!! This journey is about so much more than getting paperwork together and learning to wait. It has challenged me on so many levels and caused me to really examine my heart and motives and I understand why it takes a long time to get to the finish line. There are losses to process - for both parent and child. When I think about it, though, my loss is so minimal to what baby S has lost. I want to do everything in my power to make sure what she is gaining is worthwhile.