Something has occurred to me and I'm not sure that I like it so much. It has been brought to my attention by a friend and then today by my Mother that I have maybe been a *tiny* bit too focused on our adoption. What? How can that be? That is not even possible! It's an important step that we have undertaken that will have a big impact on our family as we know it. How can I be too focused on such a thing? As I have considered it further, I think it may be true. It's not that my friends and my Mom aren't totally excited and supportive of our adoption, because they are. It's just that I might have allowed myself to become a bit distraught emotionally on more than one occasion and it has perhaps taken up more of my time and my emotional tank than I realized. So, I am on a quest for balance. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to achieve that, but I have some ideas:
1. No more googling anything having to do with MoWA. No more! None! Nada! No good can come from it, trust me.
2. Put away my timeline. I kind of thought I had, but in my heart, I've still been holding onto my hope to bring baby S home before her birthday. Folks, it just isn't going to happen. (Did I just say folks? How strange. I've also been using "gal" and I used to really give my Mom a hard time about that one. How unsusual.) I will tell you, though, that we are going to have THE BIGGEST FIRST BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION EVER when our baby girl is home and settled - even if she is almost two or three or whatever.
3. I am going to go on about my business. It seems as if our family has been "on hold" since last summer. In the beginning, there was a lot of paperwork that had to be done. The whole homestudy and dossier thing was rather time consuming. Guess what? The dossier has been in Ethiopia since March. It is now May and I have no paperwork left to do. I don't need to feel "on hold" anymore.
4. I am going to enjoy the time I have with my boys - all four of them. They deserve to have my full attention and not, "I'll help you in a minute when I'm done with ..." Usually that thing I'm working on is not that important!
5. Baby S will never be far from my heart. I pray for her and I think of her so much through the day. The fact is, however, I have NO idea when she is going to be able to come home and for me to spend a portion of each day considering what new thing might have transpired overnight to enable her to come home sooner or later or in between is senseless.
God knows all about baby S and her situation. He also knows all about our family and our situation. At the right time, He will bring us together. I am confident of that.
Because songs seem to be speaking to me lately - Kathy Troccoli from 1994:
Life can be so good
Life can be so hard
Never knowing what each day
Will bring to where you are
Sometimes I forget
And sometimes I can't see
That whatever comes my way
You'll be with me
My life is in your hands
My heart is in your keeping
I'm never without love
Not when my future is with you
My life is in your hands
And though I may not see clearly
I will lift my voice and sing
Cause your love does amazing things
Lord, I know, my life is in your hands
Nothing is for sure
Nothing is for keeps
All I know is that your love
Will live eternally
So I will find my way, yes
And I will find my peace
Knowing that you'll meet my every need
When I'm at my weakest love
You carry me
Then I become my strongest love
In your hands
My life is in your hands
And though I may not see clearly
I will lift my voice and sing
Cause your love does amazing things
Lord, I know, my life is in your hands
I trust you Lord
My life is in your hands
Mary
8 months ago
Love it, Jennifer! It's so hard to find balance during this emotional journey, but you're definitely on to something. I will come back and re-read when I need the reminder! Hang in there - God is unfolding His perfect plan!
ReplyDeleteGirl, you are so wise to take some time to reset. You speak great wisdom here...I will pray that the Holy Spirit will help you keep your focus where it's the most healthy for you and your family. You go, girl!
ReplyDeleteI feel so conflicted about this in my own life. Adoption is such a contradictory process. It really demands that you dive in whole-heartedly while simultaneously guarding your heart. It requires you to spend hours on paperwork, notaries, education, reading, and research -- without allowing those things to dominate your time. I look at this and think, how is this possible? How are we expected to stay sane?
ReplyDeleteYou are in baby-waiting mode. If you were physically pregnant your family, friends and coworkers would ask you how you are feeling every day. Strangers would try and touch your belly. Grocery clerks would ask "When are you due?" "Is it a boy or a girl?" "Do you have any names?" The conversation would be constant. But, when you are adopting, no one can tell you are "paper pregnant" by looking at you. Fewer people ask questions. Some people may not be sure how to ask/what's appropriate. So, you bring it up. You tell people what's new. You share your feelings. You probably really aren't spending any more time on it than you did when you were pregnant.
Having said all that, balance is good. If you feel you are needing to back off a little, I am glad you are doing so. Just don't be too hard on yourself! After all, one of your children is nearly 8 thousand miles away, shouldn't you be a little "obsessive" about that?
(Sorry this was so long. :) Maybe I should have just made it a post on my own blog!)