Grief and Joy

When Addie came home on April 21, we had no idea it was the first and only time she would see her Papa this side of Heaven.  Oh how that makes my heart ache.  Last Saturday, May 5, John's Dad went to be with Jesus.  There is such comfort in knowing that he is no longer suffering, but a huge void has been left in the hearts of all of us who had the pleasure of knowing him.

John left early last Saturday morning to go see his Dad.  We expected him to come home later that night and that he would be going up again the following weekend.  Obviously, that is not what happened.  Instead, he spent the next day helping to make funeral arrangements.  He came home Sunday night to get sub plans together for school and then we all left on Monday afternoon to go to Glenview.  When we arrived at Papa and Grandma's house, my heart just ached knowing that Papa was not inside waiting for us.  Sena went in and looked for him in his favorite chair and, when she couldn't find him, asked where Papa was.  At that point, I just lost it.  I am grieving for the loss of a man who was like a second father to me, for my husband who no longer has his Dad, for my mother-in-law who no longer has her husband of 41 years, and also for my children have lost their beloved Papa.  The boys are old enough to remember him, but Sena and Addie will never have those memories and that just breaks my heart. 

Several people mentioned that they were so glad that this didn't happen while Johnny was in Ethiopia. As I look back at the things that happened that shouldn't have that moved things along in our adoption journey (most recently, that was the birth relative interview that was moved UP by eight days), I am reminded, once again, that God had everything under control and that He is always right on time - never early and never late.  He knew that John's Dad would be going home and He also knew that our sweet Addie would be a ray of sunshine in this difficult time.  She is such a sweet and happy little girl who has rolled right along with the turmoil of the past week.  I am so grateful for that.  As we were standing at the gravesite, John's mom hugged Addie and I and said to me, "One lives and another dies."  I am thankful that life does go on, but it will never be quite the same.

The peace of God truly has been with us this past week - we have sensed the prayers that I know have been offered on our behalf.  I was reminded just before the funeral of the fact that God truly is in the details.  The pastor read from Psalm 46:1-3 God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.  This is the exact passage that God had placed on my heart back in March at the Created for Care retreat.  Then he also directed me to Isaiah 54:10:  Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the Lord, who has compassion on you.  I wondered at the time what the significance of these two passages were for me and I had kind of forgotten about it until the pastor read that passage.  It was such a gentle reminder that God knew all of this was coming and He would see us through.  The past week has been HARD.  Processing my own grief, helping my kids work through theirs, supporting my husband - all the while trying to get a handle on parenting five children has just been a lot.  But God is with us and He is our help.