As we have navigated the last several months, I find myself constantly evaluating how things are going in the attachment department. When our social worker visited the other day, she gave me a training manual that included a checklist of signs of healthy attachment that I thought was helpful in assessing our progress. I have also spent a fair amount of time perusing this website. I'm not sure if it is because I simply did not have the time or energy to seek out resources when all three boys were small or if it is because I feel an added sense of responsibility with Sena, but I am much more purposeful in my parenting these days. I am also doing things a bit differently with Sena than I might have done with the boys. For instance, up until recently, when it was naptime or bedtime, I would lay her down in her crib and tuck her soft blanket around her. Well, here is how it goes lately: I lay her in her bed, she stands up in her bed, I suggest she lie down, she suggests she doesn't like that idea, I say, "Okay. It's time to go to sleep" and I leave. Then she cries. As if her heart is breaking. With the boys, I probably would have let them cry because our relationship was secure and they had no reason to doubt that I would always be there for them. With Sena, I go back into her room, ask her if she wants her blanket on, she lies down, I tuck her in, and she is fine. I can see in her eyes that she is testing me and wanting to know if I am going to meet her need - even if she is being a stinker about it. Because we are still figuring things out, I tend to err on the side of grace with her.
I have also learned through the years that sometimes you have to pick your battles with your kids. Some things are just not worth the fight. The buzz cut is a popular hairstyle for a couple of boys in this house even though it is not particularly flattering. It is only hair and I try to remind myself of that every time they come back from the barber with very little left on their craniums. A certain little girl loves to climb and she is a big fan of sitting on the kitchen counter. I really don't understand the appeal, but she visits the counter several times each day. She climbs up on the bar stool and from there onto the counter. At first, I was concerned for her safety and, thus, the counter was off limits. As she has become much more adept at climbing (on anything and everything), safety is no longer the issue. I decided that if it thrills her to sit on the counter while I work in the kitchen, I'm ok with that. Yesterday, John was making lunches for the boys and she was sitting right in the midst of it making her own pb and j and was happy as can be. On the other hand, there are certain behaviors that are worth the battle. Spitting, hitting, and screaming are non-negotiable and are dealt with immediately and sometimes repeatedly, depending on the day. Time-outs (or really time-ins since I stay close by) work well for her. We always talk about whatever infraction brought about the discipline, even if she doesn't fully understand the explanation. Eventually she will. I know that as she grows, she will switch things up on us just as her brothers have. Just about the time you think you have figured them out, they throw a curve ball. It is definitely interesting experiencing the "tween" years and toddler years simultaneously. Oddly, the very same behaviors are sometimes demonstrated on both ends of that spectrum... Things are never boring in our household.
Just for fun, a picture of Daddy and his angel baby:
I get it!
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