Hope

There is a lot going on in this mama's heart tonight and I am trying to navigate the various emotions swirling around.  This week, I ordered a photo book that will be given to Sena's birth father when Joy visits Ethiopia next.  I will also write a letter to him and there is so much that I want to share about our precious girl.  I try to put myself in his shoes as I consider what to tell him, but I simply can't.  I can't imagine what it would be like to know that my child was living thousands of miles away with another family.  I can't imagine finding myself in a circumstance so desperate that I had no other choice.  I can't imagine what it would be like to see photos of my smiling child celebrating her birthday or wrestling with her brothers or snuggling with her new Daddy.  I think I would be glad to see that she is happy and doing well, but I think it would break my heart a little bit further, too. 

As I rocked Sena before bed tonight, I became weepy as I wondered how in the world I am going to say goodbye to her and leave for a week.  What is she going to think?  Then I thought about her first Daddy and realized he had to say goodbye to her for good and, well, thinking about that is sometimes just about more than I can handle. So I turned my attention to singing some Christmas carols for Sena and then I started thinking about Mary.  I wondered how in the world she managed her emotions as she rocked her baby boy who was the son of God.  How in the world did she manage when her baby boy grew up and she watched him die on the cross for the sins of all mankind? She had the same hope that we are given in John 3:16  For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.

But it was still anything but easy.  Most worthwhile things are not easy.