Expectant

We are just about at the one year mark from when we began this process.  That is a long time to be "pregnant."  No, I am not carrying a physical baby inside of me, but I am carrying one in my heart and she is getting really heavy!!  I am also going to go out on a limb and tell you that this is the hardest of my four "pregnancies" - FOR REAL.  For the record, I had terrible physical pregnancies.  Preterm labor, consistent contractions that would send me to the hospital multiple times with all three pregnancies, a kidney stone and I will not even tell you what the emotions were like.  When we decided to adopt, John and I both thought, "Hey - that will be so much easier than going through a pregnancy."  Truly, my pregnancies were painful for both of us.  I am here today to tell you that we thought wrong.  While it has not been physically painful (unless you count the constant pain in my heart), it has been emotionally draining.  For me, it is simply impossible to not become fully invested in the child for whom we are waiting.  She has been on my heart for almost seven months.  For almost seven months, I have prayed for her and thought of her and wondered about her.  We have seen in pictures how she has changed in that time.  That is a double edged sword.  I love that we have pictures of her since shortly after her birth.  But it also makes me keenly aware of what we have missed these past months.  I am not going to dwell on that because no good can come from it. 

I am going to be very honest and confess that I have been STRUGGLING.  It has been HARD.  Some days I think I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE.  My husband is TIRED of me MOPING around.  Quite frankly, I am TIRED of it, too.  I told my friend last night that my heart just seriously hurts.  There is no other way to describe it.  She texted me this morning and told me that she prayed for my heart.  You know what?  My heart felt lighter just knowing that. 

For some reason, we have come across obstacles just about every step of  this journey. We make progress, and then we're stalled.  Make progress, stall.  It's like me driving a stick shift.  I am climbing out of the driver's seat (AGAIN) and asking God to kick this thing into high gear so that we can bring our girl home.  I don't know how He is going to do it, but I'm trusting Him.